Friday, October 31, 2014

Monday, October 27, 2014

of closed doors and chipmunks

Alexander Graham Bell is famously quoted on the topic of opportunity:
When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
(it is also quoted as):
Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open.
Lately i have been hyper-focused on the sound of closing doors.
It seemed like that was all i could identify from the last few years:
-new job at work? SLAM, position never materializes
-continue in the field anyway? SLAM, you're fired
-golden opportunity to start a business? SLAM, depression takes hold
-business finally getting off of the ground? SLAM , business partner dies without a will
-travel to New Zealand? SLAM, travel companion dies (same guy
-work tirelessly on inheritance claim? SLAM, uncle he saw once in 20 years gets the money
-have regular customers and custom orders? SLAM, complete creative shut down
-several part-time jobs keeping impending financial doom at bay? SLAM, laid off
-creativity returns in time to augment income? SLAM, apathy
-finally turn the corner and start registering for the festival season? SLAM, broken shoulder the very next day

Obviously there was a lot of time in between all of those SLAMs.
Certainly good things happened along the way.
Definitely there are hundreds of millions of people -heck, billions of people- living in far worse circumstances.

Knowing those statements are true is easy, but believing them is a bit harder when you are in pain, forced to sit still in a sling, staring at the walls. 
Slipping from unhappiness into self-pity into depression into wallowing is startlingly simple and quick. My natural optimism and can-do attitude was simply no match for it.
For me the last eight weeks have been one long blur of timeless suckage.

But the other day i had a sparkle pony moment that changed everything.
Pulling into my driveway i saw a squirrel and a chipmunk running together from the house into the woods.
What were those two animal doing together?
Were they playing?
Were they racing?
Were they going for the same nut?
Were they in love?
They looked so ridiculous that i laughed out loud.
Later i started thinking about how much i like chipmunks, with their tail-high zippiness and then realized that i hadn't seen any this season.
Or last season.
In fact, i'm not sure when i last saw a chipmunk in my yard.
The next day i saw a pair of chipmunks.  I don't think i have ever seen two chipmunks that were obviously working and playing together. 
It made my withery, shrouded heart leap for joy.
Leaning out the window to see them better i noticed a flurry of motion in the trees. It was a group of finches flitting about, enjoying the lovely autumn day. That reminded me of the day i performed in PA with a serious fever and thought i hallucinated gold finches until fTM Matt took a picture of them to prove to me that they were real (which is a happier memory than it sounds).
And i cared again.
Just like that.
I could see the open door.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

behold the power of SPARKLES!

In unrelated news, i am in week 3 of range of motion rehab; i see the doctor on Thursday.  
I am almost up to 180 degrees and resultingly my arm hurts. 
A lot. 
The pain meds had to be busted back out this week; they don't seem to be affectin...
ohhhhhhh... shiny...

Saturday, October 4, 2014

hang in there

Physical therapy has begun and i should be back to blogging soon.