Thursday, November 18, 2010

Brief expostion; possible hiatus

Hello friends.
Have you noticed that once again the Nikiverse has become a place of inconsistency with no posts for a week and then 3 posts in one day?
Have you wondered why perhaps you didn't receive a birthday card, anniversary card or any kind of correspondence of any kind from me for months?
Have you wondered why the heck it has been a month since i was in Hawaii and yet you still haven't seen even half of the pictures?
Are you questioning my loyalty?
My sanity?
My health?
Well it is high time for answers.
If you are new to the Nikiverse or have a sketchy memory i will remind everyone that two years ago i first acknowledged that perhaps i wasn't well and that about 7 months later i was diagnosed with (the ridiculous sounding) physical exhaustion. Smack dab in between i had a debilitating virus. Then earlier this year i had inexplicable vertigo.
Turns out that everything might be related.
Over the summer Dr Cool found that there is irrevocable damage to my thyroid.
We don't know if it was caused by the previous illness or if it led to those illness. Honestly, it doesn't matter which is the cause and which is the effect as the result is the same.
Your thyroid is a gland that releases various hormones that control hunger, metabolism, mood and sleep; basically it gives directions to your body to run the functions that allow you to live. As we age our metabolism naturally slows down as the thyroid produces less hormones; it happens at different rates for different people and almost always happens faster in women.
I am not going hypothyroid like normal, however. I have chronic thyroiditis, which means that the gland is actually failing. In fact, my body (perhaps in conjunction with some viruses, there is no way to tell which without removing it) is attacking and killing it.
I won't go into the symptoms and side effects here cause it is rather nasty and depressing, but suffice it to say that i am fighting a bit of a battle and have been for most of this year. Properly controlled with medication this condition is not fatal.
I am not in danger of dying any time soon, i promise.
However if you know me, you know that i am not interested in merely surviving.
I demand the most from life everyday; i want to live a life of purpose and service and joy.
Lately it has become harder and harder to maintain the level of productivity that i expect from myself and yesterday i had a bit of a health crisis.
I am writing this not to elicit sympathy, but in way of explanation for my erratic behavior in person and posting in the Nikiverse.
I will be taking some time off of work as Dr Cool is trying some new medication.
I will take the time to rest, adjust to the meds, help fTM Matt prepare for his wedding next weekend and go with Team Marge to our third trivia bowl in a row.
This might mean a brief hiatus from posting.
Or it could mean that i have so much time on my hands that i post every day.
I don't know.
And i really, really hate not knowing.
I just wanted those of you who check here cause you love me to know that i am okay and i will be more okay soon.
Don't worry, please.
I also want those of you who check here to see unicyclists, giant gold buddhas and other insanity to know that there will be fun and frivolity once again.
Be patient, please.
Finally, to those of you whom i should have told this to in person months ago, i want to apologize for my cowardice. Not sharing my illness is not a reflection of me not trusting you so much as it is about my own deep disappointment and embarrassment in myself for my stupid body failing me so completely. (yes, i know i've got issues)
Forgive me, please.
See you soon(ish).
Much love,
niki

9 comments:

Douglas said...

I <3 U!

Melanie said...

Sorry to hear you are going through this, sweetie. If there is anything we can do from a distance to help, let us know. Hope the meds kick in soon and you feel better.

Debbie said...

My heart goes out to you because both my mom and I have thyroid problems. We're treated and managed our situations through diet and integrative medicine. Don't pressure yourself- do whatever will help your body heal and put peace in your heart and mind.

Anonymous said...

Hey Squirrelly-Girl - Keep ur chin up & be patient...it WILL get better...yeah yeah i know, patience is NOT one our best traits :-) Just wanted u to know i'm thinkin 'bout u & lending my "mental" support
Foxy

Michelle said...

I just saw you TODAY and you looked like a perfectly healthy woman! I hate to hear that you are feeling less than perfect... but I know with some rest and Dr. Cool you will be peachy keen soon.

Niki said...

Thanks to all my well wishers.
Foxy, nice to see you around these parts.
Michelle, that's why it's called acting.

Manta said...

This comment is a little late. I hope you get well rested and have a nice holiday. I went to a Tastefully Simple party today but none of them will ever be as good as the one you hosted! Feel well soon!

Rachel said...

I have some small understanding of how frustrating this must be for you, but I know it's not the same as experiencing it. I sincerely hope you are feeling more like yourself soon!

Rea said...

Hurry Back!