Friday, January 7, 2011

exuberance

Look at this, a week later and i actually changed my quote. Yippee - go, me!
Anyhoo, this week's quote is from the Persian poet, Hafiz:
One regret, dear world,

That I am determined not to have

When I am lying on my deathbed

Is that I did not kiss you enough.
Though i certainly wouldn't describe my recent health issues as a brush with death, i would say that at the worst moments i was forcibly reminded of my mortality.
I usually feel so young inside and normally have such exuberance for life that it has been easy to forget that statistically i have lived half of my life already. Yes, i come from 2 lines of longevity so i might beat the statistics, but i can no longer say that i am in great health.
That has never been true before.
It has given me pause over the last two months.
I had to rest, i had to give the medicines time to get all my systems back in order. It wasn't hard to slow down because my body just forced the issue and i simply could not keep the schedule to which i am accustomed.
I acknowledge that it was a good thing to slow down.
However, even as i felt better and stronger every day i was finding myself still being a little hesitant to go out, to allow myself to stay up past 11:00, to work on projects without breaks, to be Niki. I didn't want to push too hard and no longer even knew what the phrase push too hard entailed with this body. For a little while i was scared of being sick again, that anything resembling a normal work and play load would throw my twitchy chemistry off again.
But today i refuse to be afraid any more.
Today, with my new quote, i reclaim my exuberance.
I reclaim being Niki.
I will be careful.
I will do exactly what the doctor says.
I will rest when i am tired.
But, by God, i will not regret not kissing the world enough when my time comes.
How about you?

2 comments:

Manta said...

Beautiful!

Debbie said...

It's like when I saw you at comedy night when you didn't feel well, and you said, "at least if I die, I'll die laughing." that was really inspiring me to me. :-) I'm glad I have friends like you who remind me to keep my chin up even when the rest of my body seems to hate me <3